Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
