Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
