I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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