The maid of honor just puked.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
