I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
