My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
