Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
