I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
