nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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