I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
