so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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