I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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