im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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