a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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