When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
