seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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