at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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