Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
