Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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