Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
