What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
