i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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