let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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