Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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