I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I want a musical about memes.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
