I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
