So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
