I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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