barbara walters just said penis...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
