it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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