why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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