atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
