They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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