i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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