So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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