Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
