not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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