Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
