There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize