Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
