I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
