I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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