seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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