I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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