She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
