dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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