It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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