when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I want a musical about memes.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
