ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
