I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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