I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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