There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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