my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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