I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
