Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
