Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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