Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize