I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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